for now..

basically my life is such a waste lately.. been thinking about life and never do anything about it.. i know im a terrible person.. i just want to settle up things one by one..

firstly my love life.. ive asked my 4 years relationship guy to break up with me.. but i screw it up.. i took him back.. i dont know why but i did it, maybe the love of pain was still in me (ive always heard that :"love hurts" well, it does, and i think i love getting myself hurt) .. and instead of making it work i ignore him we did contact tho ( weird i know).. im still hurt by his attitude towards me before.. i dont know how can i erased it..

but i consider myself single still for awhile.. let my mind breath a little..

lately my guy friends suddenly told me that they like me more than their friends.. i feel really awkward.. they do treat me nicely but its so not going to happen.. we have been friends for ages and i dont want to change anything..

seriously i dont know what i want in my life right now.. my friends told me to start thinking about myself.. which one will make me happy.. which one will treat me better.. which one whom doesnt make me cry every single night..

suddenly ive been thinking about what is love.. is it about someone who cares about me or someone whom just like me to care about him?? hurm..

i am tired.. thinking about this situation makes my brain pops out of my head.. i did try and smile.. be happy and have fun.. go to club and just dance my ass off.. smoke while i can (shh.. dont tell anyone) .. im usually not like this.. seriously.. suddenly life is so cramp up.. argh! been thinking about going out and have fun with my friends now.. i need to think about my future..
mostly, i need a holiday.. (cant wait to go and holiday in penang early next month) :)